Slice Eight - My Plan

When all of our initial fertility efforts failed, I decided we needed "a plan."  I wanted, no...I needed Aaron and I to decide precisely how long we would continue trying, what our next steps would be, and when to set our deadline for calling it quits.

I craved control.

About a year and a half into the process, we contacted a highly-recommended fertility specialist in Kansas City.  She confirmed everything we already knew - there was no cause for our infertility, we were "normal."  Then, she informed us of our remaining two options: intrauterine insemination (IUI) or in vitro fertilization (IVF).  We spoke with her for several hours about both possibilities and ultimately left the clinic disheartened and defeated.  Both options felt overly invasive and made it seem as if we were trying to override God's will.

Despite this, we still found ourselves back at the same specialist about four years later, broken and desperate for a solution.  We decided to pursue the less invasive of the two options, the IUI.  Though our confidence in this plan was shaky at best, we felt it was our only chance at having a baby.

Prior to undergoing the IUI procedure, the doctor required us to undergo many of the exact same tests we had the past.  This was routine, and considering all of the negative and normal results we had previously received, we did not expect much new news.

But during my ultrasound, the doctor paused.  She flashed a quick, subtle look to her nurse, and in that moment, I knew something was wrong.  We finished the tests, and then she led us back to the conference room.  When she closed the door and slid the box of Kleenex onto the table, my heart sank and everything I had suspected since the "look" was confirmed.

She found a mass.

My throat closed.  The room dimmed and everything started to spin.  I asked her to repeat herself...  She calmly instructed us to call my ObGyn as soon as we got home.  We did, and they scheduled my surgery immediately.



This was not my plan.

Slice Seven - Normal

What does it mean to be "normal?"

Typical?

Expected?

Ordinary?

Standard?

Being normal is a good thing...right?  I suppose it is, unless one is looking for answers.


Infertility is typically defined as a couple's inability to become pregnant after six months to one year of trying to conceive naturally.  Approximately ten percent of couples in the United States are ultimately labeled as infertile.  Usually, however, the cause of a couple's infertility can be identified as a complication with either the male, female, or even sometimes both.

There exists, though, a small percent of infertile couples in which the cause of their infertility is unknown or unexplained.  Aaron and I fell into that unique, tiny fraction of our population.

Every single test we ever had?  Normal.

Every blood draw?  Normal.

Every exam?  Normal.

Every doctor, every specialist indicated that we were perfectly and utterly normal.

But there is nothing normal about unexplained infertility.

In fact, with each normal or negative medical result we received, I felt increasingly alien, isolated, and alone.


I felt anything but "normal."

Slice Six - Hormones

A student once randomly asked me in class, "Mrs. Smith, what are hormones?"  Before I could compose myself and devise an age and school appropriate reply, another student stepped in with this brilliant response:

"Hormones are those feelings inside that don't make sense when you're feeling them."

Well said, young wise one...well said.


Even adults, unfortunately, have to deal with hormones.  Sometimes when my husband is particularly moody, I tease him that he's being "hormonal."  As a female, it's much, much worse.

For nine long, grueling months of our infertility process I took the fertility drug, Clomid, and the "feelings inside that don't make sense" completely took over my life!  I cried at anything and everything.  Literally...everything.  Baby commercials, commercials about dogs, memes on Facebook, bible verses, billboards, 80's rock ballads - you name it.  But then sometimes, amidst the crying, I would start hysterically laughing for no reason.  I remember one day crying on the couch and laughing at myself for crying, but not being able to control either emotion.  It was a nightmare!

Thankfully, when the Clomid treatments were over, I regained my sense of self.  And though the hormones did not serve their intended purpose, at least they reminded me to have just a little empathy for my precious hormone-driven students!

Slice Five - Free Advice

When it comes to getting pregnant, everyone seems to be an expert.  Throughout our experience, beloved family members, friends, co-workers, and even relative strangers were always happy to offer a little free advice!

"Stay out of hot tubs!"

"Make sure you don't keep your phone in your pocket or have your laptop on your lap for too long."

"You know, you probably shouldn't ride rollercoasters any more."

"You might want to try a round of antibiotics."

"Have you thought about going on vacation?  Oh you have...  Maybe a different vacation then?"

"Perhaps a nice dinner and a bottle of wine will help."

"Definitely try standing on your head for a bit!"

"I read somewhere that drinking a cup of whole milk every day will increase your chances."

"You should just stop trying.  That's when it will happen."

"Go ahead and fill out some adoption paperwork.  My brother's friend's sister's aunt did that and then had a baby!"

And my personal favorite:  "It will happen if you just RELAX!"

Slice Four - Failure

My parents taught me at a very young age that I could accomplish anything if I set my mind to it.  Each goal I created and ultimately achieved throughout my childhood and young adult life helped cement this belief into the very core of my identity.  With enough willpower and effort, I knew any dream was within reach.

Armed with a clean genetics report and a whole lot of "can-do" attitude, I confidently strutted onto the path to parenthood.  I bought the What to Expect Before (yes, before...) You're Expecting book, downloaded all the most popular baby apps, spent hours studying lists of baby names and pregnancy symptoms, and purchased a small box of tests.  I exercised reasonably, counted my calories, consumed adequate amounts of fruits and vegetables, switched from coffee to green tea, drank plenty of water, and tried to get the recommended eight hours or more of sleep every night.  If anyone could get pregnant, it was me!

But then I didn't...


I still remember that first negative test - I just stood in the kitchen and sobbed in Aaron's arms.  It was my fault.  Surely, I must have done something wrong.  When I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself,  I wiped my tears and determined I would just have to try harder.  I reexamined my game plan, made a few adjustments, and set out to try again.


The following month, I faced the same crushing disappointment.  Just as before, I fell apart, then picked myself up and tried again.

And then again,

And again...


Eventually I realized, for the first time in all of my life, I failed.  No amount of willpower or effort could get me through this.  One word resonated over and over in my head and like a poison, slipped into my heart and began to dissolve the truths that had carried me for so long:

Failure.

Slice Three - Genetics

A human being is comprised of precisely twenty-three neatly packed, meticulously organized pairs of microscopic genetic instructions called chromosomes.  In order to create life, each set must be perfect, flawless.  Even one minute imperfection could prevent life all together or in some cases cause irreversible physical or cognitive damage.

My precious little sister is mentally handicapped - her condition likely the result of a chromosomal abnormality.  Aaron's uncle (on his mother's side) also faced mental and physical challenges during his lifetime resulting from some small, seemingly insignificant alteration in his own genetic structure.

Twenty-three pairs of genetic code, too small to even see, can make such tremendous impact in the formation of our existence.


For this reason, our road to parenthood began quietly, secretively, with a single blood draw in the office of a genetics counselor.  We had to make sure, before even considering bringing a life into this world, that we were not somehow carrying the tiniest chromosomal imperfection.


After an excruciating wait, we finally received our results.


"Negative."


Our genes passed every test, and we were ready and able (or so we thought) to pass this precious cargo on to our own little miraculous creation.

Slice Two - When I Grow Up

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

From a very young age, I always knew a response to that daunting question.  At first, I said I wanted to be a pediatrician.  Then, I claimed that I wanted to be a physical therapist.  Eventually, I answered my personal calling to become a teacher.

But somewhere, deep in my heart, one answer was consistently the same throughout my lifetime...I wanted to be a mother.

I can still remember being three or four years old and hearing a child cry in a different aisle of the grocery store.  I would ask my own mother if I could go comfort her.  I would find the crying baby, kneel down beside her, and gently calm her.  When we played "house" in kindergarten, my friends routinely assigned me the role of "mom."  One of my family's favorite home movies to this day is the one in which Santa brought me a shopping cart full of plastic groceries.  I was just under two years old.  Instead of playing with my new toys, I instinctually took each food item to my infant sister and tried to feed her.

Being a mother was natural.  It was just something I was supposed to do.

Until it wasn't...


My parents struggled with infertility.  Aaron's parents did too.  Somehow, even before it was real - before we whispered the words of "parenthood" out loud - I knew we would face the same frustration.  What I did not realize, however, is how much it would hurt, how much my entire identity as I knew it would be destroyed, how I would have to face the deepest, darkest facets of myself and fall apart completely before I could find my path again.

Slice One - Doomsday

Birds silence their song,

The sun ceases to shine,

Winds hush and

Waters still.



Every flower withholds her bloom.  Every mountain cowers in terror.


The stars and planets align and the universe collapses upon itself. In a flash, my entire existence is reduced to a blank screen,

An ominous curser.


Resistance is futile. Escape? Impossible.


March 1st, Doomsday.


Life as I know it is over. Slice of Life has begun...

Slice #31 - Done

I am done!

Done,

Done,

Done,

Done,

Done,

D – O – N – E !!!

Estoy listo – Spanish

Ich bin fertig – German

J'ai fini – French

我做完 Wǒ zuò wán – Chinese

Olen valmis - Finnish

Τελείωσα – Greek

Tá mé críochnaithe - Irish

Tôi xong rồi - Vietnamese

Et ego feci - Latin

I am TOTALLY and COMPLETELY DONE WITH SLICE OF LIFE!!!!

Whew! 

I never thought this day would come…  Actually, honestly, it wasn’t so bad this time.  I’m not saying that I liked slicing and I’m certainly not implying that I ever want to do it again.  I do just have to admit, though, that it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. 

Last year, I put so much pressure on myself.  I wrote for an audience and poured over every sentence, every word just to make sure it was perfect.  This year, I just wrote.  I wrote what I felt in the moment and didn’t think twice about it.  Some slices were definitely better than others.  Some were downright pathetic.  But all that matters is that I wrote every single day, for thirty-one days!  For a mathematician, that is pretty alright…

Until next year!

Slice #30 - Fifty Days

Just 50 more days and then, the sun!

In 50 more days, we’ll relax – have fun!

There’s not much time before it’s through,

Then you and I must say, “Adieu!”

In 50 days and 50 nights,

We all will relish summer’s delights!

No books or grades or lessons to teach,

No lanyards to wear or goals to reach.

No meetings,

No emails,

No copies,

No calls!

No second tiles or single files or silence in the halls.

It’s almost here!  It’s come so fast!

I didn’t think that I could last.

No school in 50 days, it’s true…

But in 50 days, students, I’ll truly miss you!

Slice #29 - Happy Thoughts

At the very start of this new year, I decided something in my life had to change.  I was constantly finding myself frustrated at situations outside of my control or saddened by the various challenging events of my life.  I knew if I did not change my focus, these fears, heartaches, and trials would slowly begin to consume my thoughts, and worse, my life. 

So I made a promise to myself – each night before bed, for an entire year, I would write just three positive moments from my day in a journal.  For a self-proclaimed “non-writer,” this was a relatively ambitious endeavor, but I dug up an old journal from the depths of a drawer and started anyway. 

Nearly three months have passed, and I cannot even begin to describe how impactful this seemly insignificant action has been on my life!  Instead of allowing my mind to dwell on the negative experiences of my day, I force myself to center my heart and mind on the good – my “happy thoughts.”

Some days are most certainly easier than others!  For example, during my Disney trip, I could have listed just about any three events that occurred during the day and headed to bed happy!

Other days prove to be more difficult.  Some nights, I just stare at the blank page searching my brain for anything that could qualify as a “happy” moment.  It is on these tougher days, though, that I often find the most beautiful hidden bits of joy.  A little note from a student on the board, an encouraging hug from a friend, a finished project, an extra snuggle from my puppies, or a quiet moment with my husband are all beautiful experiences that might have otherwise been overlooked had I not chosen to seek them out. 

Life is hard. 

And sadly, it is much easier to focus on everything “wrong” than to search for the good, peace, and beauty.   For me, however, I am learning that if I will just look, even the tiniest bit, I can find hope and light in the darkest times and often in the most unexpected places. 

Slice #28 - 10 4 10 Plus One

Ok, so my Walt Disney World vacation was absolutely A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, and I just have to end with one more Ten for Ten blog!  Sorry!  I can't help it!!!

Tonight, please enjoy (or maybe I should say "tolerate") my Top Ten Favorite 2016 Disney Vacation Photos!!!

10.  This is an action shot of Aaron and I riding Aerosmith's Rock-N-Roller Coaster with my mom!  It is incredibly fast, turns upside-down several times, and is a total blast!  We were screaming our heads off!

9.  These two crazy characters are Baloo and King Louie from the Jungle Book!  They were so extra sweet with Heather!  They kept dancing with her and making her laugh!

8.  Only her big brother, Aaron, could EVER get her to do something silly like this!  We were just walking through the park, and next thing I knew, both Heather and Aaron had their heads in this stock!  Too funny!

7.  A trip to Walt Disney World would not be complete without a visit from two of our closest family friends, Cliff and Kathy McCullough!  I pretty much consider them my other aunt and uncle!  We always have a great time with them!

6.  No family vacation would be complete without a classic family photo!  This is my mom, dad, sister, Aaron, and I all enjoying the beautiful weather at the EPCOT Flower and Garden Festival.

5.  Sometimes, the Disney photographers were just at the right place at the right time.  One of them caught this sweet picture of my dad and Heather waiting for us outside the Tower of Terror ride.  The two of them are too precious!

4.  Heather LOVES her Disney characters, especially Mickey Mouse!  Mickey always goes above and beyond, showering her with love and hugs!  That's definitely a happy Heather smile!!!

3.  The sights, smells, and entertainment make evenings in EPCOT some of my most favorite moments at Disney World.  Here is Aaron sneaking a little smooch right outside of Japan!  I think he had a little encouragement from the crowd!

2.  The photographs that the Disney photographers take never disappoint, but this particular photographer snuck in his own extra special touch!  We had no idea what the picture would look like until we saw it later, but it's one of my most favorite from the whole trip!

1.  I love Disney more than I can say!  However, the part I love most is sharing it with my little sister.  She is my whole world and brings magic to my life every single day!

There you have it!  I promise, cross my heart, this is my last Disney post of the year!  Wishing you a little Disney magic of your own!

  

Slice #27 - 10 4 10 Disney Princesses

In honor of my Spring Break vacation in Walt Disney World, I will be posting one of my top ten Disney favorites each day for ten days – my 10 for 10! 

Today is our very last day, and I could not be more heart-broken to leave the place I love and consider to be my other home.  We have had an amazing week – full of laughter, fun, adventures, and more!  To end this series, I feel it is only fitting to pay homage to the ones who rule it all, the Disney royalty.  Here are my Top Ten Favorite Disney Princesses:

10.  Tiana from The Princess and the Frog

9.  Pocahontas from Pocahontas

8.  Snow White from Snow White

7.  Belle from Beauty and the Beast

6.  Jasmine from Aladdin

5.  Cinderella from Cinderalla

4.  Merida from Brave

3.  Aurora from Sleeping Beauty

2.  Rapunzel from Tangled

1.  Ariel from The Little Mermaid

I hope you all have had a wonderful Spring Break as well!  See you bright and early tomorrow!!!

Slice #26 - 10 4 10 Disney Quotes

In honor of my Spring Break vacation in Walt Disney World, I will be posting one of my top ten Disney favorites each day for ten days – my 10 for 10! 

By now, I’m sure my deep love for all things Disney is quite clear!  I love the food, the music, the characters, the parks – all of it!  However, my favorite parts of Disney are the poignant messages and life-lessons sewn into the fabric of every single film.  Today, please enjoy my Top Ten Favorite Disney Quotes:

10.  Pinocchio:  “Always let your conscience be your guide.”

9.  Pocahontas:  “Listen with your heart.  You will understand.”

8.  The Lion King:  “Oh yes, the past can hurt.  But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”

7.  Alice in Wonderland:  “If you don’t know where you want to go, then it doesn’t matter which path you take.”

6.  Mulan:  “The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.”

5.  Hercules:  “A true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.”

4.  The Little Mermaid:  “I just don’t see how a world filled with such wonderful things could be bad.”

3.  The Incredibles:  “Everyone’s special, Dash.”  “Which is another way of saying no one is.”

2.  Cinderella:  “Even miracles take a little time.”

1.  Winnie the Pooh:  “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Slice #25 - 10 4 10 Disney Villains

In honor of my Spring Break vacation in Walt Disney World, I will be posting one of my top ten Disney favorites each day for ten days – my 10 for 10! 

Several years ago, Hollywood Studios featured an exhibit honoring the greatest villains in Disney history!  I absolutely loved touring this “Hall of Fame” because it was the mere presence of these evil characters that allowed my heroes to truly shine!  Walt, himself, knew that every good story, even a fairy tale, needs a villain.  So for that reason, please enjoy my list Top Ten Favorite Disney Villains:

10.  Dr. Facilier (aka. The Shadow Man) from The Princess and the Frog

9.  Professor Ratigan from The Great Mouse Detective

8.  Malificent from Sleeping Beauty

7.  Gaston from Beauty and the Beast

6.  Hades from Hercules

5.  Cruella de’Vil from 101 Dalmatians

4.  Randall Boggs from Monsters, Inc.

3.  Jafar from Aladdin

2.  Scar from The Lion King

1.  Ursula from The Little Mermaid

“Off with their heads!” – The Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland

Slice #24 - 10 4 10 Disney Rides

In honor of my Spring Break vacation in Walt Disney World, I will be posting one of my top ten Disney favorites each day for ten days – my 10 for 10! 

The last few days have been filled creating life-long memories with my parents, sister, and incredible husband!  However, thankfully, we are taking a bit of a break today to rest and reflect.  Below is a list of the Top Ten Favorite Rides and Attractions that we’ve experienced so far this trip:

10.  People Mover at EPCOT

9.  Indiana Jones Experience at Hollywood Studios

8.  Dinosaur at Animal Kingdom

7.  One Man’s Dream at Hollywood Studios

6.  Rockin’ Roller Coaster at Hollywood Studios

5.  TIE – Buzz Light Year at Magic Kingdom and Toy Story Mania at Hollywood Studios

4.  Test Track at EPCOT

3.  Kilimanjaro Safari at Animal Kingdom

2.  Soarin’ at EPCOT

1.  Tiki Room at Magic Kingdom

We have had a lot of thrilling adventures so far this week, and we aren’t even done yet!  So much more fun to come!

Slice #23 - 10 4 10 Disney Restaurants

In honor of my Spring Break vacation in Walt Disney World, I will be posting one of my top ten Disney favorites each day for ten days – my 10 for 10! 

We’re back at EPCOT today, and there is not much more that I love at EPCOT than the food!  In addition to the numerous food booth delights you may find at the current Flower and Garden Festival, you can also enjoy delectable meals from all across the Walt Disney World Resorts!  These are my Top Ten Favorite Restaurants at WDW:

10.  Tony’s Town Square Restaurant at Magic Kingdom

9.  Be Our Guest at Magic Kingdom

8.  California Grill at the Contemporary Resort

7.  Cosmic Ray’s Café at Magic Kingdom

6.  San Angel at EPCOT

5.  Flying Fish Chef’s Table on the Disney Boardwalk

4.  Yak & Yeti at Animal Kingdom

3.  Akershus at EPCOT

2.  Biergarten at EPCOT

1.  Rose & Crown at EPCOT

Looks like I am going to have to do a LOT of walking after all this eating!  Yum yum yum!

Slice #22 - 10 4 10 Disney Scores

In honor of my Spring Break vacation in Walt Disney World, I will be posting one of my top ten Disney favorites each day for ten days – my 10 for 10! 

As you make your way through the streets of Disney’s Magic Kingdom, your ears will fill with sounds of the many Disney musical masterpieces!  Below are just a small few of my Top Ten Favorite Disney Scores:

10.  I Won’t Say (I’m in Love) – Hercules

9.  Colors of the Wind – Pocahontas

8.  Baby of Mine – Dumbo

7.  Friend Like Me – Aladdin

6.  A Whole New World – Aladdin

5.  Kiss the Girl – The Little Mermaid

4.  Tale as Old as Time – Beauty and the Beast

3.  Circle of Life – The Lion King

2.  Part of Your World – The Little Mermaid

1.  When You Wish Upon a Star – Pinocchio

I’m not ashamed to say, I know every single word to these and many, many more!  Remember…always keep a “Smile in Your Heart” and “When you wish upon a star, dreams come true!”

Slice #21 - 10 4 10 Disney Animals

In honor of my Spring Break vacation in Walt Disney World, I will be posting one of my top ten Disney favorites each day for ten days – my 10 for 10! 

We are visiting Disney’s Animal Kingdom today, and in keeping with the “animal” theme, I will be listing my Top Ten Favorite Disney Animal Characters:

10.  Dumbo, the shy and misunderstood elephant, from Dumbo

9. Mecco, the trouble-making raccoon, from Pocahontas

8.  Doug, the easily-distracted dog, from Up

7.  Sven, the “talking” reindeer, from Frozen

6.  Dory, the absent-minded blue tang fish, from Finding Nemo

5.  Pegasus, the feisty pegasus, from Hercules

4.  Timon & Pumba, the lovable meerkat and warthog, from The Lion King

3.  Thumper, the foot-tappin’ rabbit, from Bambi

2.  Abu, the sneaky monkey, from Aladdin

1.  Flounder, the anxious guppy, from The Little Mermaid

This list barely even skims the surface of all the memorable animal characters that Disney has created!  Hoping to see some incredible real and fictional animal friends today!

Slice #20 - 10 4 10 Disney Movies

In honor of my Spring Break vacation in Walt Disney World, I will be posting one of my top ten Disney favorites each day for ten days – my 10 for 10! 

Hollywood Studios is where all the Disney movie magic comes to life!  Here, you can watch costume designers and cartoonists at work and even view artifacts from some of the most classic Disney films.  This is perhaps, the most difficult list for me to write because there are so many Disney movies I love!  For today (though it may change tomorrow), these are my Top Ten Favorite Disney Movies:

10.  Finding Nemo

9.  Tangled

8.  Pinocchio

7.  The Incredibles

6.  Aladdin

5.  Toy Story 1, 2, & 3

4.  Up

3.  Beauty and the Beast

2.  Monsters, Inc. 

1.  The Little Mermaid

This list could go on for days and days…  Truly, no matter which Disney movie you watch, you are certain to experience the magic!